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February 18th, 2010

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02:34 pm - his birthday...
Hello, all. Well, it's happened. I'm now nineteen months out, and today is what would have been Chad's twenty-ninth birthday. Ow. This leaves me feeling crippled. How did I make it this far? How have I managed to rebuild my life, such as it is?

So two questions for those of you who've been there, so to speak. Well, one is simply an observation, but I digress. My facebook profile now says In a relationship. That feels just weird, partly because Chad's will always say he's married to me. I was in another, very brief, relationship. When I'm went to change my profile, my mouse hovered over Single before finally clicking on Widowed. Does this ever change? Will we be forever Widowed? I can't think of myself as simply Single anymore. I may be In a relationship, but I feel as though I will always be Chad's widow. Does anyone else feel this way?

Now for a less speculative question. As stated above, I have officially re-entered the dating world. I took my own sweet time in doing so, and it looks as though I might have found someone who isn't going to run at the first twinges of grief, such as today. He's very kind, he knows enough of what happened nineteen months ago. He knows I still love Chad and think of him nearly constantly, even now.

But I feel still as though I'm being disloyal to Chad. Does this ever go away, or is it rather like the grief itself, where it simply gets easier to bear?

I told my mom, before I began dating Truman, that this exactly was what I was looking for. But now I think I'm going to accidentally destroy it with my fears and insecurities.

My brother, who knows that this guy is the best thing that's happened to me since Chad, advised me gently to just take the flying leap off this bridge, that I might be surprised when someone catches me this time. Problem is, I've taken this leap before. It was beautiful being caught, but scrambling back up to take another jump, another chance ... frankly, I'm scared.

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[User Picture]
Date:February 19th, 2010 04:30 am (UTC)
I'm nearly 4 1/2 years out.... here's my deal:

I've been engaged for about 1 1/2 years and my fb profile says widowed, not engaged. Until I remarry I will feel widowed. This is just me. I am not single, I am not divorced. I was a small part of the movement to get FB to change that status and that's part of the reason I feel I need to keep it there. There's other reasons I can't explain either.

I've been with my now fiance since 2 months after my husband died. It took until I was 3 years out to really feel like I wasn't betraying my late husband even though I know had he survived we would've been divorced. My fiance knew Cliff. He even tried to save Cliff's life. He let me grieve Cliff. He understands that even now on occasion I feel twinges of missing that guy. Take it slowly. Let him know and why. I was flat out honest with Dale about it and he understood and was there for me even when I just needed my friend Dale, not my "man" Dale.

Good luck with Truman. He sounds like a special man, and you're a special woman too!
[User Picture]
Date:February 19th, 2010 06:20 am (UTC)

his birthday...

Ah, so you're one of the ones who petitioned! Thank you. I remember when I was a little over a year out, I wanted my profile to not say that I wanted married to him. It just hurt too badly at that point, seeing it. I guess about that time was when it was all new, because I clicked on Widowed, but my profile insisted on saying Single. It irritated me, so I went back to Married. After that brief, failed relationship that I hinted at, it finally allowed me to put Widowed. It just felt right. At any rate, thank you for your work at getting them to acknowledge Widowhood as a legitimate relationship status.

And thank you, also, for your advice. Truman wasn't there through my nightmare, though we met close to my one year, I solidly pushed him away for fear of my own hypersensitivity and mood swings. He persisted, however. In a way, I'm glad he wasn't there because I was sometimes quite awful to my support group. But other times, I wish he'd been there because it'd leave quite a bit that I now feel the need to explain. Does that even make sense? Well, whatever the fates have devised, he wasn't there, and whether that's good or bad remains to be seen.

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