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February 18th, 2010

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02:34 pm - his birthday...
Hello, all. Well, it's happened. I'm now nineteen months out, and today is what would have been Chad's twenty-ninth birthday. Ow. This leaves me feeling crippled. How did I make it this far? How have I managed to rebuild my life, such as it is?

So two questions for those of you who've been there, so to speak. Well, one is simply an observation, but I digress. My facebook profile now says In a relationship. That feels just weird, partly because Chad's will always say he's married to me. I was in another, very brief, relationship. When I'm went to change my profile, my mouse hovered over Single before finally clicking on Widowed. Does this ever change? Will we be forever Widowed? I can't think of myself as simply Single anymore. I may be In a relationship, but I feel as though I will always be Chad's widow. Does anyone else feel this way?

Now for a less speculative question. As stated above, I have officially re-entered the dating world. I took my own sweet time in doing so, and it looks as though I might have found someone who isn't going to run at the first twinges of grief, such as today. He's very kind, he knows enough of what happened nineteen months ago. He knows I still love Chad and think of him nearly constantly, even now.

But I feel still as though I'm being disloyal to Chad. Does this ever go away, or is it rather like the grief itself, where it simply gets easier to bear?

I told my mom, before I began dating Truman, that this exactly was what I was looking for. But now I think I'm going to accidentally destroy it with my fears and insecurities.

My brother, who knows that this guy is the best thing that's happened to me since Chad, advised me gently to just take the flying leap off this bridge, that I might be surprised when someone catches me this time. Problem is, I've taken this leap before. It was beautiful being caught, but scrambling back up to take another jump, another chance ... frankly, I'm scared.

(10 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:February 18th, 2010 09:11 pm (UTC)
I haven't been to FB in a long time, but I'm glad they added a widowed category, because when I joined they didn't have one and I remember being a little...irritated. I think widowhood as a form of self-identification means things to different people, in the sense of how long it might last. Or if it's a classification that you simply have. Some people list themselves as being divorced until they get remarried, if they get remarried, and some people change from divorced to single at some point, and I imagine that widowed means a lot of things.

I have been widowed for about 4 years, and I consider myself a widow. I don't have any interest in dating (I have a daughter who was born after her daddy died), and so I don't feel like I'm remotely ready for it. My husband killed himself, and in a lot of ways to this day I am still horrifically in love with him, so I know I'm not ready.

But if you are ready, I fully support that, and your future boyfriends/girlfriends should know about Chad if you want them to know. And I have faith that they will be considerate of that. I think your concerns are normal, and I'm not sure if they're a sign that you're not ready or just the normal concerns for this type of thing.

I wish you the utter best, though.
[User Picture]
Date:February 18th, 2010 11:07 pm (UTC)

his birthday...

Thank you for your kind words. I may not be four years out, but I certainly understand the certainty of not being ready. I'm not sure even now if I am sometimes. The only thing I keep thinking is that I'm going to mess this up due to my lingering grief and insecurities. It's nice to meet someone who gets that :). Hugs to you and your daughter and I hope you find the peace you deserve.
Date:February 18th, 2010 11:46 pm (UTC)
Well, my fiance died 3 years ago next month. For the past two years, I have been good friends with a guy who stayed by my side through the worst times. A few months ago, we started dating. So my fiance was gone for almost 3 years before I dated again. Now, even though I love my boyfriend so much, sometimes I do feel like I am being disloyal to my fiance. I think it's just what comes with losing someone you love. I don't know if I will ever feel different but I can say that you're not the only one.
[User Picture]
Date:February 19th, 2010 04:52 am (UTC)

his birthday...

Hi, paintedtwilight. I just wanted to say that I remember your kind words from a year ago, and thank you. You helped me through some of the toughest patches by just understanding. Thank you, and I'm truly happy you've found happiness :)
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:07 am (UTC)

Re: his birthday...

Aww, well I am glad I can help even if I never actually have advice. Just understanding.

Thanks, my boyfriend is great. I do still miss my fiance so much, though. It's tough without him.

But I guess this is my life now, y'know?
[User Picture]
Date:February 19th, 2010 04:30 am (UTC)
I'm nearly 4 1/2 years out.... here's my deal:

I've been engaged for about 1 1/2 years and my fb profile says widowed, not engaged. Until I remarry I will feel widowed. This is just me. I am not single, I am not divorced. I was a small part of the movement to get FB to change that status and that's part of the reason I feel I need to keep it there. There's other reasons I can't explain either.

I've been with my now fiance since 2 months after my husband died. It took until I was 3 years out to really feel like I wasn't betraying my late husband even though I know had he survived we would've been divorced. My fiance knew Cliff. He even tried to save Cliff's life. He let me grieve Cliff. He understands that even now on occasion I feel twinges of missing that guy. Take it slowly. Let him know and why. I was flat out honest with Dale about it and he understood and was there for me even when I just needed my friend Dale, not my "man" Dale.

Good luck with Truman. He sounds like a special man, and you're a special woman too!
[User Picture]
Date:February 19th, 2010 06:20 am (UTC)

his birthday...

Ah, so you're one of the ones who petitioned! Thank you. I remember when I was a little over a year out, I wanted my profile to not say that I wanted married to him. It just hurt too badly at that point, seeing it. I guess about that time was when it was all new, because I clicked on Widowed, but my profile insisted on saying Single. It irritated me, so I went back to Married. After that brief, failed relationship that I hinted at, it finally allowed me to put Widowed. It just felt right. At any rate, thank you for your work at getting them to acknowledge Widowhood as a legitimate relationship status.

And thank you, also, for your advice. Truman wasn't there through my nightmare, though we met close to my one year, I solidly pushed him away for fear of my own hypersensitivity and mood swings. He persisted, however. In a way, I'm glad he wasn't there because I was sometimes quite awful to my support group. But other times, I wish he'd been there because it'd leave quite a bit that I now feel the need to explain. Does that even make sense? Well, whatever the fates have devised, he wasn't there, and whether that's good or bad remains to be seen.
[User Picture]
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:23 pm (UTC)
I actually wrote a blog about this awhile back, but I couldn't link it yesterday because wordpress was down. :/

But anyway: Your Relationship Will Be Canceled On Save is my feeling on the matter, for this time. I've asked a lot of widows lately, (the ones in relationships), how they knew it was time. So far, I've gotten good, and interesting responses, and they all have the same bottom line. Apparently, it's a very personal decision, that really only a widow knows. The only thing *I* know is that I'm not ready. I'd like to be, because I'm nearly two years out, myself, and it's lonely like Siberia.

But I also know that I don't want to hurt myself further, or hurt anyone else. I don't know how to navigate my situation just yet. I only know that from this vantage point, not only have I not found anyone that wanted to join my mess, but I am not interested in looking. Although, I have to admit that I've been considering it more and more, as the time passes.

We shall see.

Anyway, good luck!! If Truman makes you happy, it can only be a good thing. *hug*
[User Picture]
Date:August 17th, 2010 02:50 pm (UTC)
I want to say first, that I think this community is great. I lost my boyfriend of four years about four months ago, and reading about others going through, or having gone through, the same things I am helps. I don't feel so alone in this. Being nineteen, people keep encouraging me that I'm young and that I have to move on because of it, even though I don't feel that way at all. I feel older than ever.

Second, I think your brave for even contemplating dating, let alone going through with it, and the fear is completely understandable. I think, that if Truman is a great guy, you'll be able to tell him your insecurities and he might respect the idea that you want to proceed with caution.

I realize this entry is older and a lot could have changed since you last wrote it but I just wanted to say thank you for writing this and thank you to all the other entries. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this world, forever missing someone I love dearly.
[User Picture]
Date:August 18th, 2010 05:28 am (UTC)

his birthday...

I love this community as well, for the sense of ...well, community. We're united in a special kind of way, one that we don't wish on anyone, but we've found ourselves in.

But it's drastically different for everyone. Some began dating long before i would have dreamed. Some are longer out than i, and still aren't thinking about it.

It's irrelevant now, i suppose, but quite a bit has changed since this post. Maybe i tore it apart with my fears and insecurities ...maybe Truman did with his. Maybe we just weren't meant to be. Either way, right about the time that i'd convinced myself to take the proverbial leap ... I took a deep breath and let myself go ... And it wasn't truman who was waiting to catch me. It was a man who i have known for several years, a man who held a mutual respect with my husband. I had admired this man from afar, so to speak, never dreaming he could be who he is today. Perhaps i thought it would be weird, since he knew my husband.

Either way, it's happened. And it's right. Chad would've approved. And so do i :)

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