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November 14th, 2009

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02:43 am - I just can't cry
I haven't posted here before, I've left a few comments - firstly in the very early days of bereavement and also today, when reading this community for the first time in a year and a half.

My husband, Seamus, passed away just over 18 months ago. May 12, 2008. Three and a half months after we married. He was 27, I was 25. He was hit by a car on his way to work and never regained consciousness.

For the first while, I honestly thought I could not go on. I was in a terrible state and absolutely dreaded the idea of "moving on". Thought it meant leaving my Seamus behind. Eventually I realised that the love we shared will never be lessened by anything, certainly not by me taking charge of my own life and actively seeking out happiness. That he would want me to be happy. One of the things he always said to me was, "I just want you to be happy. That's the most important thing to me."

we were so close, we almost lived in our own little bubble. We could spend hours together just doing nothing, and laughing about the stupidest things.

I moved halfway across the world, partly because of my career and partly because I really needed the change. I haven't lacked support here, either - my best friend and numerous other friends live here too and they have been wonderful. Life has been changing so rapidly over the past year, especially since my move to the UK. I've grown and changed a lot as a person. I feel like I'm stronger than I have ever been before, and that losing Seamus, although the worst thing I've ever had to endure, has helped me to know myself so much better. Most importantly, I've learned what's important in life and what really isn't worth bothering about. I've learned to be more assertive about what I want, and also more easygoing when it really doesn't matter all that much.

I've been with a wonderful new guy for the past three months, and things are going so well with us. Looks like it's going to turn into a long-term thing... early days yet but the signs are so good and we are really happy together. We 'get' each other in a way that's completely unexpected. I didn't think I'd find anyone who got me, not after losing Seamus. He also understands that my grief over Seamus has nothing to do with him, and although he is a little uncomfortable at times (who wouldn't be?) he respects that I've got things to deal with and knows that my feelings for him coexist and don't compete. I'm incredibly lucky to have him in my life.

anyway... for the past week (or thereabouts) I've been feeling pretty melancholy. Missing Seamus. Wanting to share these new, exciting adventures with him - even just as my best friend. Just to TELL him about all the great stuff that's going on and know that he's happy for me. Even the new boyfriend... I'd love to tell him all about it. But I can't. He's gone, and he's not coming back. I've felt so lost this past week, and I really want to get it out...

but I can't cry. I want to cry, so badly. I've done everything that usually triggers it: listened to songs that remind me of Seamus, looked at photos of him and us together, watched the small amount of video footage I have of him, re-read journal entries from around the time of his death...

nothing. I might shed a tear or two, but just the slow trickling down the cheek kind. Not the real, raw, sobbing kind that releases a whole bunch of tension even while leaving you utterly exhausted.

THAT is what I need to do. and I can't. it's horrible. it's why I'm awake at almost 3am for the second night in a row. it's why I've been a complete hermit for the past couple of days. it's why my boyfriend is sensing something is up with me and is subtly giving me some space. We have a date tomorrow night, it will be wonderful to see him... but I couldn't see him today, even though we almost always see each other on a Friday night.

so, I can't cry. I'm terribly blocked up. any of you experienced this? help? advice? just a little bit of support?

sigh. I guess I should try to go sleep now.

(3 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:November 26th, 2009 11:19 am (UTC)
I am sorry for your loss. :(

I am also 18 months out, and my husband died on May 10,2008. He was also the same age. He had a brain aneurysm that he never recovered from.

I have my moments when his picture doesn't make me fall apart, but instead, I feel completely empty inside. Like, I almost prefer it when I fell apart to the vacuum that is left behind. I miss being able to tell him everything, and as the months race by, it hurts to not include him.

But I also believe he would want me to do amazing things with my life, and I'm trying.

I've been really needing to get away by myself, lately. People haven't been supportive of the idea, but I just need to get away so I can lose it, and bawl my eyes out.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand. And I hope this holiday season brings hope, release and peace for you.
[User Picture]
Date:November 26th, 2009 12:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you for your message, I really appreciate it. I'm sorry for your loss, too.

all we can do is try, and be the best we can be, I guess.

Getting away by yourself is something I've done quite a lot of and it's been a huge help. Sure, moving halfway across the world from my family has made it easier to just pick up and get away on my own, but it's really worthwhile making the effort to do.

I wish you all the best for the holidays.
[User Picture]
Date:November 29th, 2009 11:55 pm (UTC)
Just discovered this community. Reading your post has struck a chord... I could have written much of it. I don't have the answer, but you're not alone. I want to talk, and share all the things I'm going through, and I want to cry, but I just can't. It's so hard :(

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