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June 27th, 2009


fauxconfidence
09:14 am - Two Months
...And I think that things are kind of changing in how I view the death of Dan, and where I find myself in life now. Has it really been two months; and what the hell have I done with myself?

"Did you say it? I love you... I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it? Make a plan, set a goal; work toward it... But every now and then, look around; drink it in, 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

Those were the last words that Meredith Grey said in the season finale of Grey's Anatomy; and I find myself watching it over and over again online... Crying. Because it didn't really hit me when the finale was on, because it was only like a week or two after Dan died. I watched it a couple of weeks ago, with my best friend, and I just bawled... Because I was telling her about Nearing Death Awareness; and how it didn't dawn on me throughout the show until it was confirmed that Izzy was sick that she was experiencing that. And now, now... To watch the last videos I got of Dan, it just makes perfect sense. And in the videos I can see that he's content, and he almost has this child-like look upon his face... And you can tell that he was just like looking through all of us, and that there was something more, something that only he could see. And this is why I believe in angels, and God, and the whole idea of Heaven.

After two months, it's finally hit me. I don't know if it's because I switched my wedding ring over to my right hand, or if it's because I've been focusing on school, and perhaps a relationship with someone else... Because I don't want to sit here and sulk like my whole world has fallen apart. I don't want to be that bitter widow. But at the same time, I've seen that I've been putting on a front for the past couple of days, and only in secrecy will I cry my eyes out.

I'm also finding myself blaming myself for not doing more than what I did. All the while knowing that I did everything in my power to help him, and even more. I even find myself wanting to go to Indiana University Hospital, down in Indianapolis... Just to sit in the parking garage again, or maybe just wander around aimlessly, like I did for hours on end, because I was so lost in what to do. Part of me wonders if it's because, subconsciously, I think that I might find him there.

I know that all of this amounts to accepting the fact that he's gone... But I just don't know what the hell is going on with my emotions lately. I feel trapped and upside-down; and all I want is to see his face. And I know he's here, because he promised every night to tuck me in, but I can't see him... I just imagine him being there, and his face upon his pillow before I fall asleep.

And although my therapist says that this is all progress; and that I'm able to identify my feelings and this is okay... I really have to wonder. Is it?
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Off I Go," Greg Laswell

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June 21st, 2009


samuraibutterfl
01:10 am
I was sitting in a bar with really good friends. We had had a great evening with dinner and plenty of laughter. I was sipping a cocktail when "our" song came on. I burst into tears and my friends rushed to change the song. I feel like an idiot. I thought I was through this part. As horrible as it sounds, I've gotten to the point where I can go days without thinking about him. I thought I had trained myself to only remember the good times. I thought the hole in my heart was healed over.

The song was "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. Ironic, isn't it?
Current Mood: blankblank

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June 5th, 2009


roseskill
10:15 pm
Hi, all.

So, I'm packing up and moving back to my homestate. This has been quite emotional enough, as some of you know ... leaving behind all the memories of the last home we built together, and all. Also, I am quickly facing being one year out in just over a month.

Going through everything, deciding what of his to keep, all that. At the bottom of an obscure box of general paperwork and oddball things that never gets unpacked, just gone through occasionally ... I found a memory card. Having no idea what could possibly be on there, I popped it into my laptop.

Lo and behold, staring back at me are pictures of my husband during our engagement and honeymoon period ... ow. And videos, oy the videos. I've had no videos of him, at all, didn't really do the whole camcorder thing. Except obviously for a few months.

So I'm surrounded by boxes, and memories, and feeling like a complete failure for not being able to stay here, where he was ... where he lived and loved and breathed ... where his voice hasn't been in a year ... and suddenly, there's his voice and movement and laughter ...

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June 4th, 2009


fairgotham
11:54 pm - Memories
Today was the funeral for the cop that was killed by friendly fire up in Spanish Harlem. Saw lots of cops in dress uniforms, wearing their mourning bands.

It was a tough day for me.

Almost 4 years, and when things like this happen, I feel like I'm back at the beginning. :(

This sucks.
Current Music: cake - let me go

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May 13th, 2009


katzinoire
01:21 pm - Coping
Very useful article:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/08/death.goodbye.coping/index.html

Eric's family never talks about him-unless they are with me, I near demand it-my BIL tells me I am the only person he can speak about his brother to, my MIL is the same way.  Talking about him reminds me how special and awesome he was.  Sometimes it makes me miss him more, however mostly, it provides a smile.
Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful

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May 9th, 2009


fauxconfidence
11:41 pm
I went to Barnes & Noble today, with a client of mine... Since she likes to look at the bajillion different types of magazines. This was, in a sense, good and bad.

I took the open opportunity to go to the help desk and ask if they had a section for the death of a spouse. Hell, I didn't know what to call the section; and the older (I'm going to say 50's-ish) lady just looked at me quite peculiarly and walked me over to the grieving section. And, I don't know how many of you have tried to check out the sections in your weeks, months, or years of being widowed, but I was wondering if any of you noticed what I had found. I was surprised to see that there was not one book there that had to do with grieving a spouse. There were books for the losses of children, mothers, and grandparents? Who left out the wives, siblings, and husbands?

Which, of course, leads me to you all, because I'm wondering if any of you could tell me of some books for the loss of a spouse -- specifically, a husband, please.

I managed to pick up a Chicken Soup book for my sappy ass, and Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying. The latter, primarily, I got for personal interest because a.) Dan was a hospice patient and b.) since I'm a nursing student, I'm thinking of going to quickly get my CNA license to go and work at the local hospice facility so that I can become a nurse extern and hopefully snag a nursing position when all is said and done.

However, I am saying all of this about my dream occupation and it's only been two weeks, so someone make a mental note to check up on me in a couple of weeks to see if I still really think that I can do all of this as quickly as I'm currently making it sound.

But getting back onto subject, I also managed to pick up an awesome, Italian leather journal. I'm going to take photographs of it and what's written in it on a daily basis, but I thought that I would ask if any of you have thought about doing what I have started to do... And what I've started to do is write little letters throughout the day to Dan. I told him in the very first one that I got the journal so that I could put it by the bed, so that while he's waiting for me to get into bed and comfortable (he would always complain about how long it took me to do this), that he could just as equally waste some time thumbing through the day's letters to him. Though, I also mentioned that he would need to acquire some awesome Patrick Swayze moves from "Ghost," but that I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

So, at any rate, I'm done rambling... And I just thought that I would run all of this nonsense by you all.

I hope that you all are doing alright.
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Been Down," Blue October

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May 7th, 2009


fairgotham
10:45 pm - My December - Linkin Park
this is my december
this is my time of the year
this is my december
this is all so clear

this is my december
this is my snow covered home
this is my december
this is me alone

and i
just wish that i didnt feel
like there was something i missed
and i
take back all the things i said
to make you feel like that
and i
just wish that i didnt feel
like there was something i missed
and i
take back all the things i said to you

and i give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to

this is my december
these are my snow covered dreams
this is me pretending
this is all i need

and i
just wish that i didnt feel
like there was something i missed
and i
take back all the things i said
to make you feel like that
and i
just wish that i didnt feel
like there was something i missed
and i
take back all the things i said to you

and i give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to

this is my december
this is my time of the year
this is my december
this is all so clear

and i give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to


Was just listening to this song, and it made me think of you guys. It's a beautiful, haunting song. Listen to it, if you haven't. :)

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May 4th, 2009


fauxconfidence
12:07 am
I wanted to say thank you to whomever thought about making this community. I had my doubts with Livejournal in thinking that there would even be such a community as this around here.

I'm new, and my name's Bethany; and I'm newly widowed.

My husband, Dan, died almost two weeks ago, and I was really hoping that we would have more time together. (Don't we all?) Things still haven't hit me in the face yet... I think that it is because we sat together, through thick and thin -- especially during this past year, while he had gone through all of the tests and long stints in the hospital. By long stints, I mean to say that he had easily spent a month at a time at one hospital, just to come out for a couple of weeks before going right back in for the same thing. It was frustrating, tiring, and you know... In the back of my mind, I still think he's there. Though, try as I might, I tell myself that he's gone and I visit his burial plot (as we've not gotten his headstone yet, due to time constraints between his parents and I).

At twenty-nine years old, on April 22, at 4:39pm, he passed away from what turned out to be the end stages of liver failure. He was in the hospital for three weeks, then in home hospice for three days, when he passed away.

I have always prided myself on motivating him to be strong, and that everything will work out how it should... And certainly, being a somewhat religious person, I definitely think that it has, but I'm just boggled by the fact that I can't seem to cry or understand this concept of death with him.

He's not the first person whom I've sat beside and held their hand when they passed... But for whatever reason, this is the most surreal thing that I have ever experienced.

I guess I'm just rambling, but I was wondering if any of you had gone through this before? I'm sure this is some sort of grief process, but my therapist seems to think that I'm having an issue with accepting this. I suppose some feedback would be well appreciated.

And I do apologize for rambling; and I want to also apologize in advance, because I have a feeling that I will be lurking around this community quite frequently, so I hope that I don't annoy any of you if I just end up repeating myself.

Thank you all,
Bethany
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Beside You in Time," Nine Inch Nails

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April 13th, 2009


blondedebombe
01:53 pm - new, wanted to introduce myself
Hi, so I was looking for other people like me. Im glad I found this communitee. But not under the circumstances.
I was 17 When I meet Bill, we got pregnant at 19 and had a son on jan 21 06, then i got pregnant again when our son was 5 months old. he was born march 21 07. We had lived together and been together ever since I was a teenager, I am now about to be 23, he would have been 26 this year. He was my first true love. I was a stay at home mom, in our beatiful house in the country. (it was his dads). then we moved to Dayton because him & his dad got into a fight. One of the highest crime cities in the united states. Not even being there 5 months Bill had a gun and we were fighting because I couldnt take the alcohol, the partying anymore, and his loser drug friends. He was on a downward spiral of self destruction, Something happened so Bill went and got his gun, we were getting along good and we were smiling and talking. I didnt want to not be with him, I wanted to be with Bill, sober Bill, back. I wanted to help him, and he signed up for rehab that day. Sept 9th, 2008. So he got fucked up he said he wanted to party since he was going to rehab... which i said was stupid you have to work in the morning...........something went down he came in and got his gun. I was playing on the computer and I seen the gun in the back of his jeans, that was our last conversation. About that stupid gun, I told him he didnt need it and it was stupid and he said baby dont worry about it and walked outside to chill with the neighbors. Ten minutes later jamie, my neighbor came running to my door he couldnt even talk and he took me to where Bill was and bill shot himself in the back of the head with a 9MM. I remember everything, and I know I went into shock. called 911, I knew he wasnt going to make it the exit wound was above his right eye. He was struggling to breath and then the ambulance was there. They wouldnt let me leave with him I know why know I didnt need to see it. They kept me there for 2 hours CSI, crime scene investigation. Bill shot himself, jamie told him the same thing I did, and he said the gun doesnt even go off put it to his head and it went off There where other people there and Bill played with that stupid gun all the time, I hated it. He was in ICU for two days brain dead the ohio law is 48 hours. I stayed with him the whole time but its weird, the first time i left to take a shower, he died so he died on 9/11/08. i never went to church and i always wondered if there was a god because now I have to believe his big personality and caring ways, he was the best daddy, he got his kids the best of everything and money was never a problem. He had of gone somewhere and I hope its a good place.
SO i just wanted to introduce myself, and if there are other single parents who daddy or mommy has died, my kids were to young to relize and they are coping way better than everybody else.
Well I hope to meet other people like me, my friends and my family dont understand me really and i have mood swings now and anxiety. Its hard from going to stay at home mom, to having to be in charge of bills, and Bills role and the sole provider. We get SS and that pays rent and stuff but the pressure of nobody helping me anymore and just the lonelyness of it all. Ok well Ill shut up now. Thats my story.

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March 16th, 2009


roseskill
08:28 pm - So, I work in retail...
(Mod/s, please feel free to delete this if it's too OT)

Older gentleman walks into my store, grabs some foodstuffs, and approaches my register.

Me: Hi! How are you today?

Him: *sigh* Do you really want to know?

Me ... o.O

Him: Missing my wife. Melanoma, (x month, '05) *bigsigh*

Me: I'm... sorry...

Him: No, you're not, you don't understand, you're too young.

Me: x.X *wtfing*

........

Dude, I really am sorry you lost your wife, and please don't discount that I, too, may have suffered that great a loss, just because I'm young.

I didn't say that I understand because I hate it when people say that to me, but... gah! I know, I know, he had no way of knowing, but the decisive ... dismissiveness just floored me. Since when does loss/grieving/widowhood have an age restriction? I wholeheartedly wish it did...

"This relationship is rated ND-85 by the Because I Said So Association. There is no death to be allowed before the age of 85. No exceptions, violators will be prosecuted."

Seriously.

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