February 18th, 2010
|roseskill||02:34 pm - his birthday...|
Hello, all. Well, it's happened. I'm now nineteen months out, and today is what would have been Chad's twenty-ninth birthday. Ow. This leaves me feeling crippled. How did I make it this far? How have I managed to rebuild my life, such as it is?
So two questions for those of you who've been there, so to speak. Well, one is simply an observation, but I digress. My facebook profile now says In a relationship. That feels just weird, partly because Chad's will always say he's married to me. I was in another, very brief, relationship. When I'm went to change my profile, my mouse hovered over Single before finally clicking on Widowed. Does this ever change? Will we be forever Widowed? I can't think of myself as simply Single anymore. I may be In a relationship, but I feel as though I will always be Chad's widow. Does anyone else feel this way?
Now for a less speculative question. As stated above, I have officially re-entered the dating world. I took my own sweet time in doing so, and it looks as though I might have found someone who isn't going to run at the first twinges of grief, such as today. He's very kind, he knows enough of what happened nineteen months ago. He knows I still love Chad and think of him nearly constantly, even now.
But I feel still as though I'm being disloyal to Chad. Does this ever go away, or is it rather like the grief itself, where it simply gets easier to bear?
I told my mom, before I began dating Truman, that this exactly was what I was looking for. But now I think I'm going to accidentally destroy it with my fears and insecurities.
My brother, who knows that this guy is the best thing that's happened to me since Chad, advised me gently to just take the flying leap off this bridge, that I might be surprised when someone catches me this time. Problem is, I've taken this leap before. It was beautiful being caught, but scrambling back up to take another jump, another chance ... frankly, I'm scared.
I want to say first, that I think this community is great. I lost my boyfriend of four years about four months ago, and reading about others going through, or having gone through, the same things I am helps. I don't feel so alone in this. Being nineteen, people keep encouraging me that I'm young and that I have to move on because of it, even though I don't feel that way at all. I feel older than ever.
Second, I think your brave for even contemplating dating, let alone going through with it, and the fear is completely understandable. I think, that if Truman is a great guy, you'll be able to tell him your insecurities and he might respect the idea that you want to proceed with caution.
I realize this entry is older and a lot could have changed since you last wrote it but I just wanted to say thank you for writing this and thank you to all the other entries. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this world, forever missing someone I love dearly.
|Date:||August 18th, 2010 05:28 am (UTC)|| |
I love this community as well, for the sense of ...well, community. We're united in a special kind of way, one that we don't wish on anyone, but we've found ourselves in.
But it's drastically different for everyone. Some began dating long before i would have dreamed. Some are longer out than i, and still aren't thinking about it.
It's irrelevant now, i suppose, but quite a bit has changed since this post. Maybe i tore it apart with my fears and insecurities ...maybe Truman did with his. Maybe we just weren't meant to be. Either way, right about the time that i'd convinced myself to take the proverbial leap ... I took a deep breath and let myself go ... And it wasn't truman who was waiting to catch me. It was a man who i have known for several years, a man who held a mutual respect with my husband. I had admired this man from afar, so to speak, never dreaming he could be who he is today. Perhaps i thought it would be weird, since he knew my husband.
Either way, it's happened. And it's right. Chad would've approved. And so do i :)