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his birthday... - young widows

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February 18th, 2010


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roseskill
02:34 pm - his birthday...
Hello, all. Well, it's happened. I'm now nineteen months out, and today is what would have been Chad's twenty-ninth birthday. Ow. This leaves me feeling crippled. How did I make it this far? How have I managed to rebuild my life, such as it is?

So two questions for those of you who've been there, so to speak. Well, one is simply an observation, but I digress. My facebook profile now says In a relationship. That feels just weird, partly because Chad's will always say he's married to me. I was in another, very brief, relationship. When I'm went to change my profile, my mouse hovered over Single before finally clicking on Widowed. Does this ever change? Will we be forever Widowed? I can't think of myself as simply Single anymore. I may be In a relationship, but I feel as though I will always be Chad's widow. Does anyone else feel this way?

Now for a less speculative question. As stated above, I have officially re-entered the dating world. I took my own sweet time in doing so, and it looks as though I might have found someone who isn't going to run at the first twinges of grief, such as today. He's very kind, he knows enough of what happened nineteen months ago. He knows I still love Chad and think of him nearly constantly, even now.

But I feel still as though I'm being disloyal to Chad. Does this ever go away, or is it rather like the grief itself, where it simply gets easier to bear?

I told my mom, before I began dating Truman, that this exactly was what I was looking for. But now I think I'm going to accidentally destroy it with my fears and insecurities.

My brother, who knows that this guy is the best thing that's happened to me since Chad, advised me gently to just take the flying leap off this bridge, that I might be surprised when someone catches me this time. Problem is, I've taken this leap before. It was beautiful being caught, but scrambling back up to take another jump, another chance ... frankly, I'm scared.

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[User Picture]
From:roseskill
Date:February 19th, 2010 04:52 am (UTC)

his birthday...

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Hi, paintedtwilight. I just wanted to say that I remember your kind words from a year ago, and thank you. You helped me through some of the toughest patches by just understanding. Thank you, and I'm truly happy you've found happiness :)
From:paintedtwilight
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:07 am (UTC)

Re: his birthday...

(Link)
Aww, well I am glad I can help even if I never actually have advice. Just understanding.

Thanks, my boyfriend is great. I do still miss my fiance so much, though. It's tough without him.

But I guess this is my life now, y'know?

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