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his birthday... - young widows

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February 18th, 2010

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02:34 pm - his birthday...
Hello, all. Well, it's happened. I'm now nineteen months out, and today is what would have been Chad's twenty-ninth birthday. Ow. This leaves me feeling crippled. How did I make it this far? How have I managed to rebuild my life, such as it is?

So two questions for those of you who've been there, so to speak. Well, one is simply an observation, but I digress. My facebook profile now says In a relationship. That feels just weird, partly because Chad's will always say he's married to me. I was in another, very brief, relationship. When I'm went to change my profile, my mouse hovered over Single before finally clicking on Widowed. Does this ever change? Will we be forever Widowed? I can't think of myself as simply Single anymore. I may be In a relationship, but I feel as though I will always be Chad's widow. Does anyone else feel this way?

Now for a less speculative question. As stated above, I have officially re-entered the dating world. I took my own sweet time in doing so, and it looks as though I might have found someone who isn't going to run at the first twinges of grief, such as today. He's very kind, he knows enough of what happened nineteen months ago. He knows I still love Chad and think of him nearly constantly, even now.

But I feel still as though I'm being disloyal to Chad. Does this ever go away, or is it rather like the grief itself, where it simply gets easier to bear?

I told my mom, before I began dating Truman, that this exactly was what I was looking for. But now I think I'm going to accidentally destroy it with my fears and insecurities.

My brother, who knows that this guy is the best thing that's happened to me since Chad, advised me gently to just take the flying leap off this bridge, that I might be surprised when someone catches me this time. Problem is, I've taken this leap before. It was beautiful being caught, but scrambling back up to take another jump, another chance ... frankly, I'm scared.

(10 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:February 18th, 2010 09:11 pm (UTC)
I haven't been to FB in a long time, but I'm glad they added a widowed category, because when I joined they didn't have one and I remember being a little...irritated. I think widowhood as a form of self-identification means things to different people, in the sense of how long it might last. Or if it's a classification that you simply have. Some people list themselves as being divorced until they get remarried, if they get remarried, and some people change from divorced to single at some point, and I imagine that widowed means a lot of things.

I have been widowed for about 4 years, and I consider myself a widow. I don't have any interest in dating (I have a daughter who was born after her daddy died), and so I don't feel like I'm remotely ready for it. My husband killed himself, and in a lot of ways to this day I am still horrifically in love with him, so I know I'm not ready.

But if you are ready, I fully support that, and your future boyfriends/girlfriends should know about Chad if you want them to know. And I have faith that they will be considerate of that. I think your concerns are normal, and I'm not sure if they're a sign that you're not ready or just the normal concerns for this type of thing.

I wish you the utter best, though.
[User Picture]
Date:February 18th, 2010 11:07 pm (UTC)

his birthday...

Thank you for your kind words. I may not be four years out, but I certainly understand the certainty of not being ready. I'm not sure even now if I am sometimes. The only thing I keep thinking is that I'm going to mess this up due to my lingering grief and insecurities. It's nice to meet someone who gets that :). Hugs to you and your daughter and I hope you find the peace you deserve.

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