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July 11th, 2009


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fauxconfidence
10:36 pm - Weddings and Memories
I dreamt you seduced me
Just to walk away
I dreamt you inspired
Then rewired what I say
I dreamt you spread your bottom wings
And pulled me to the bed
But then I woke up feeling nauseous
You danced around my head


The more I analyze my feelings, the more I think that I hate things.

How long, how long have you been down?
How long, how long have you been down?
How long, how long have you been down?
Down


I am fine with respecting the fact that Dan is gone. I am happy that he is happy in Heaven. I want to be happy for him. I want to know that he's carefree; and leave it at that. Yet, through all of this, I think that I've come in-touch with my bitterness and selfish desires.

I dreamt you burned my fingers
An automatic sting
I dreamt you called me beautiful
But asked to hear me sing
I dreamt you sat, invited me
To crawl within your space
But then I woke up feeling nauseous
Girl, you danced around my head


Tonight, I went to a wedding and reception. It dawned on me, while there, that since we had been married, he never got to come to a wedding with me... Because, in the case of Shannon, he was just admitted into the hospital, and that was the day that the doctors told us that they were giving him a 50-50 chance of making it out of the hospital alive. In two weeks, that will have been a year ago.

How long, how long have you been down?
How long, how long have you been down?
How long, how long have you been down?
Down, down


Through all of this, I think I'm starting to feel jealous of him. I want so badly for it to be my time to get sick, or into an accident... Or something. Just something to take me to where he is. I would give anything. Anything at all just to hold his hand again.

And sometimes, I swear I hear his voice, but then I just tell myself that it's just my mind replaying some of the things that he would say, because I want so badly to hear his voice again. And then I hate myself for allowing my mind to play tricks on me, but then the other part of me is convinced that he really did say it.

What the hell...

I keep trying to move on with my life, but then things pop up and remind me of him so well, and the things that I wish that I would have said; and that I wish he would have understood.

Why can't we work when we both try?
We try, we try, we try
Why can't we work, we both try?
Why can't we work when we both try
Try, try, we we we try


It breaks my heart to know that I had such high hopes for him and our marriage, and it's all been pulled away from me. Like today, before I went to the wedding, I just sat here and cried for a minute, knowing that he wasn't going to be there with me; and I could just replay in my mind the scenario of trying to get him all dressed up nice and being all cute... And then thinking that if we had our way a couple of months ago, he would be in an in-patient treatment facility for alcohol addiction right now.

I dreamt you seduced me
Just to walk away
I dreamt you inspired
Then rewired what I say
I dreamt you spread your bottom wings
And pulled me to the bed
But then I woke up feeling nauseous
Girl, you danced around my head


I wanted so badly to be proud of him, right now. I wanted him to go, he wanted to go... But by the time we had our "intervention," his liver had already started to shut down for the last time.

How long, how long have we been down?
How long, how long have we been down?
How long, how long have we been down?
Down, down, yeah


I hate this. I hate trying to move forward, just to be pulled abruptly back into memories -- happy and sad, that seem to devastate me.

So don't, don't get so far
Oo, say again
Oh, we been down
How long have we been down?
How long have we been down?
How long have we been down?
How long have we been down?
How long have we been down?
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Yeah yeah

Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Been Down," Blue October

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Comments:


[User Picture]
From:divamelisande
Date:November 13th, 2009 06:39 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I know this is a long time after you posted, but I'm just reading this comm for the first time in a while.

It's helpful to know that others have had the same feelings that I have had... and I want you to know you're not alone. I have, so many times, wished my Seamus was with me, or that something could take me to be with him.

it took me a bit over a year to start believing that I could get through this, that life has a lot left to offer. sometimes I still falter and wish I didn't have to go through with it. I stop caring about other things again... I lose faith in myself. but the faith always comes back.

I hope you can be strong, and that you are feeling OK.

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