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February 17th, 2011

10:29 am - inactive on lj
Hello everyone.

I'm mostly inactive on livejournal. I'm looking for volunteers to take over. Please let me know if you would like to be a maintainer/owner of this community.

Thank you

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May 4th, 2010

06:19 pm - Mostly Rhetorical Question
Will I ever stop measuring time in how long since the accident?

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February 18th, 2010

02:34 pm - his birthday...
Hello, all. Well, it's happened. I'm now nineteen months out, and today is what would have been Chad's twenty-ninth birthday. Ow. This leaves me feeling crippled. How did I make it this far? How have I managed to rebuild my life, such as it is?

So two questions for those of you who've been there, so to speak. Well, one is simply an observation, but I digress. My facebook profile now says In a relationship. That feels just weird, partly because Chad's will always say he's married to me. I was in another, very brief, relationship. When I'm went to change my profile, my mouse hovered over Single before finally clicking on Widowed. Does this ever change? Will we be forever Widowed? I can't think of myself as simply Single anymore. I may be In a relationship, but I feel as though I will always be Chad's widow. Does anyone else feel this way?

Now for a less speculative question. As stated above, I have officially re-entered the dating world. I took my own sweet time in doing so, and it looks as though I might have found someone who isn't going to run at the first twinges of grief, such as today. He's very kind, he knows enough of what happened nineteen months ago. He knows I still love Chad and think of him nearly constantly, even now.

But I feel still as though I'm being disloyal to Chad. Does this ever go away, or is it rather like the grief itself, where it simply gets easier to bear?

I told my mom, before I began dating Truman, that this exactly was what I was looking for. But now I think I'm going to accidentally destroy it with my fears and insecurities.

My brother, who knows that this guy is the best thing that's happened to me since Chad, advised me gently to just take the flying leap off this bridge, that I might be surprised when someone catches me this time. Problem is, I've taken this leap before. It was beautiful being caught, but scrambling back up to take another jump, another chance ... frankly, I'm scared.

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February 17th, 2010

04:48 pm - Questions about Grief
I am just a few days short of being a widow for ten months... I've changed my major, from nursing back to social work. I was working toward my BSW before Dan and I got married; and then I switched to nursing just before he got sick. After he passed away, though, I realized that I couldn't keep my major, because there were multiple instances where I ended up bawling and having to excuse myself from class.

So, in one of my classes I'm taking this semester, I've got the chance to do an individual project that could impact a specific group within my community. Of course, I have chosen to target widows and widowers of all ages, and mostly because there is nothing offered in the community that doesn't cost a lot or push you out the door after a month's time... And, with both of those options, they examine more of the clinical aspects of things, whereas I would like to just have a support group where everyone's like close friends.

What I'm getting at here, though, is what you all would want if this opportunity were to arise in your community? What are the things that you have found that you needed more help with, and what were things that you didn't have answers for, or people to point you in the direction for? I want to know all aspects of where things got confusing and hard for you to deal with, so that I can accurately come up with something to encompass a large variety of issues widows and widowers of all ages have to deal with.

Your help would be greatly appreciated; and I would love it if you could get me your answers before the 27th of this month.

Thank you,
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Vienna," The Fray

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November 14th, 2009

02:43 am - I just can't cry
I haven't posted here before, I've left a few comments - firstly in the very early days of bereavement and also today, when reading this community for the first time in a year and a half.

My husband, Seamus, passed away just over 18 months ago. May 12, 2008. Three and a half months after we married. He was 27, I was 25. He was hit by a car on his way to work and never regained consciousness.

For the first while, I honestly thought I could not go on. I was in a terrible state and absolutely dreaded the idea of "moving on". Thought it meant leaving my Seamus behind. Eventually I realised that the love we shared will never be lessened by anything, certainly not by me taking charge of my own life and actively seeking out happiness. That he would want me to be happy. One of the things he always said to me was, "I just want you to be happy. That's the most important thing to me."

we were so close, we almost lived in our own little bubble. We could spend hours together just doing nothing, and laughing about the stupidest things.

I moved halfway across the world, partly because of my career and partly because I really needed the change. I haven't lacked support here, either - my best friend and numerous other friends live here too and they have been wonderful. Life has been changing so rapidly over the past year, especially since my move to the UK. I've grown and changed a lot as a person. I feel like I'm stronger than I have ever been before, and that losing Seamus, although the worst thing I've ever had to endure, has helped me to know myself so much better. Most importantly, I've learned what's important in life and what really isn't worth bothering about. I've learned to be more assertive about what I want, and also more easygoing when it really doesn't matter all that much.

I've been with a wonderful new guy for the past three months, and things are going so well with us. Looks like it's going to turn into a long-term thing... early days yet but the signs are so good and we are really happy together. We 'get' each other in a way that's completely unexpected. I didn't think I'd find anyone who got me, not after losing Seamus. He also understands that my grief over Seamus has nothing to do with him, and although he is a little uncomfortable at times (who wouldn't be?) he respects that I've got things to deal with and knows that my feelings for him coexist and don't compete. I'm incredibly lucky to have him in my life.

anyway... for the past week (or thereabouts) I've been feeling pretty melancholy. Missing Seamus. Wanting to share these new, exciting adventures with him - even just as my best friend. Just to TELL him about all the great stuff that's going on and know that he's happy for me. Even the new boyfriend... I'd love to tell him all about it. But I can't. He's gone, and he's not coming back. I've felt so lost this past week, and I really want to get it out...

but I can't cry. I want to cry, so badly. I've done everything that usually triggers it: listened to songs that remind me of Seamus, looked at photos of him and us together, watched the small amount of video footage I have of him, re-read journal entries from around the time of his death...

nothing. I might shed a tear or two, but just the slow trickling down the cheek kind. Not the real, raw, sobbing kind that releases a whole bunch of tension even while leaving you utterly exhausted.

THAT is what I need to do. and I can't. it's horrible. it's why I'm awake at almost 3am for the second night in a row. it's why I've been a complete hermit for the past couple of days. it's why my boyfriend is sensing something is up with me and is subtly giving me some space. We have a date tomorrow night, it will be wonderful to see him... but I couldn't see him today, even though we almost always see each other on a Friday night.

so, I can't cry. I'm terribly blocked up. any of you experienced this? help? advice? just a little bit of support?

sigh. I guess I should try to go sleep now.

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October 10th, 2009

08:57 am - Something To Remember
From P.S I Love You, the mom comforting her daughter and she points something very true out:

"So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

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October 2nd, 2009

08:05 am - Death isn't romantic
This was posted to an acquaintance's Facebook page on the 2nd anniversary of my husband's death. I really have no idea how to respond to this. If I could have laid down and died, too, I probably would have. I don't really find anything romantic about it, just a lot of pain.

"Just watched Walk the Line while cleaning. Does anybody else think it's romantic that Johnny Cash died 4 months after June? Really, to be that in love with someone that you really cannot go on with out them? I think it's lovely."
Current Mood: numbnumb

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August 8th, 2009

12:24 pm - some advise would be amazing right now!
next month, on the 11th it will be a year since my Bill passed. We had two babies. He had a best friend Bill talked to everyday and I've know him since the day I meet Bill, over 5 years ago now. We have become really close, we enjoy each others company and it has lead to more than a friendship, this is the first time i have truely been happy since bill died. my parents like him, and dont see anything wrong with it and nether does bryans family... but bills family is going A-wall on me! saying it isnt right, Bill wouldnt approve, and I think bill would approve, nobody would love Bills kids better than Bryan he's known my boys there whole life! It has gotten so bad my xbrother in law is leaving me nasty msg's to the point of threatning me and bryan I called the cops and Bills sister inlaw sending me terrible text msg's! I dont know why they are acting this way.... im happy finally! I don't think there is anything wrong with it, he is a good person and he treats me amazing. Anybody elses input would be helpful.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed

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July 11th, 2009

10:36 pm - Weddings and Memories
I dreamt you seduced me
Just to walk away
I dreamt you inspired
Then rewired what I say
I dreamt you spread your bottom wings
And pulled me to the bed
But then I woke up feeling nauseous
You danced around my head

The more I analyze my feelings, the more I think that I hate things.

How long, how long have you been down?
How long, how long have you been down?
How long, how long have you been down?

I am fine with respecting the fact that Dan is gone. I am happy that he is happy in Heaven. I want to be happy for him. I want to know that he's carefree; and leave it at that. Yet, through all of this, I think that I've come in-touch with my bitterness and selfish desires.

I dreamt you burned my fingers
An automatic sting
I dreamt you called me beautiful
But asked to hear me sing
I dreamt you sat, invited me
To crawl within your space
But then I woke up feeling nauseous
Girl, you danced around my head

Tonight, I went to a wedding and reception. It dawned on me, while there, that since we had been married, he never got to come to a wedding with me... Because, in the case of Shannon, he was just admitted into the hospital, and that was the day that the doctors told us that they were giving him a 50-50 chance of making it out of the hospital alive. In two weeks, that will have been a year ago.

How long, how long have you been down?
How long, how long have you been down?
How long, how long have you been down?
Down, down

Through all of this, I think I'm starting to feel jealous of him. I want so badly for it to be my time to get sick, or into an accident... Or something. Just something to take me to where he is. I would give anything. Anything at all just to hold his hand again.

And sometimes, I swear I hear his voice, but then I just tell myself that it's just my mind replaying some of the things that he would say, because I want so badly to hear his voice again. And then I hate myself for allowing my mind to play tricks on me, but then the other part of me is convinced that he really did say it.

What the hell...

I keep trying to move on with my life, but then things pop up and remind me of him so well, and the things that I wish that I would have said; and that I wish he would have understood.

Why can't we work when we both try?
We try, we try, we try
Why can't we work, we both try?
Why can't we work when we both try
Try, try, we we we try

It breaks my heart to know that I had such high hopes for him and our marriage, and it's all been pulled away from me. Like today, before I went to the wedding, I just sat here and cried for a minute, knowing that he wasn't going to be there with me; and I could just replay in my mind the scenario of trying to get him all dressed up nice and being all cute... And then thinking that if we had our way a couple of months ago, he would be in an in-patient treatment facility for alcohol addiction right now.

I dreamt you seduced me
Just to walk away
I dreamt you inspired
Then rewired what I say
I dreamt you spread your bottom wings
And pulled me to the bed
But then I woke up feeling nauseous
Girl, you danced around my head

I wanted so badly to be proud of him, right now. I wanted him to go, he wanted to go... But by the time we had our "intervention," his liver had already started to shut down for the last time.

How long, how long have we been down?
How long, how long have we been down?
How long, how long have we been down?
Down, down, yeah

I hate this. I hate trying to move forward, just to be pulled abruptly back into memories -- happy and sad, that seem to devastate me.

So don't, don't get so far
Oo, say again
Oh, we been down
How long have we been down?
How long have we been down?
How long have we been down?
How long have we been down?
How long have we been down?
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Yeah yeah

Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Been Down," Blue October

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June 27th, 2009

08:32 pm - The Calendar Says...
Today would have been our 11th Wedding Anniversary.

I feel like Lot's Wife, frozen in a posture of looking backwards. The salt analogy is also apt in that I feel a little dessicated by life, despite my work to 'move on'.

Depression is too shallow a word; it sounds like a divot in the grass. Crevasse is more like it. I'm suffering from a case of Crevasse. Climbing out of it takes all my energy. But if I keep breathing, I daresay I'll eventually reach the rim. I have to.

(x-posted from my LJ)
Current Mood: morosemorose

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